Choosing friends…
// May 14th, 2010 // No Comments » // OUT LOUD THOUGHTS
I grew up hearing all the cliches that you hear regarding friends – “birds of a feather…,” “…peas in a pod,” “be careful choosing friends…” – I have to say they did get a little smarter as I got older. And these days, you’re bound to see one of those smarter quotes resurrected as a wall post on Facebook like:
“A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.”
And that is a Shakespeare quote by the way.
The truth is that most of the people we find in relationship with us are as much like us as we can possibly find. In part, I think we just love ourselves that much. I mean, if you can’t hang out with yourself, you might as well find someone who at least reminds you of yourself.
I think agreement is good, and there are some great and powerful things that come out of agreement. But there’s negative things as well like assuming you’re right because someone else agrees with you, while condemning others because they don’t. You know, it’s easy to make a bad guy out of someone who disagrees.
The problem is that we’ve sliced so thinly the community that I think we were meant to have.
Community is a huge part of the transformative process. We don’t change on our own. And, you know what? We don’t change just by hanging out with people who agree nearly 100% with us.
As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. – Proverbs 27:17
That’s such a sexy verse. It’s pretty much become cliche as well. We’ve dressed it up to sound so friendly, but I really don’t think it’s as nice as everyone would like to think.
Iron cannot actually sharpen iron. It can’t.
Take two steak knives out of a drawer and try sharpening them by rubbing them together or something. It just can’t happen.
And I think that’s one of the points of this scripture is that if two are so much alike, if they are of the same hardness, that is the degree of sharpness that you will get by their collision. What you’ll have is a high degree of no change at all. But the two will be just alike. They’ll be buddies.
The point is that there cannot be change where there is no real conflict.
When iron is being sharpened, it’s messy. There are sparks and slivers of metal everywhere. In any sharpening something gives in and something dominates. Equals do not sharpen they dull.
In these days of political correctness and tolerance, I think we’ve all become a bunch of weenies who get our feelings hurt too easily. We run away from relationships because we say they’re too painful, and we hole up with people who’ll always agree – or – even if they disagree, they won’t tell us because they’re afraid of conflict.
I don’t know about you, but I’m not right all the time. And sometimes, I’m in conflict with people and I’m 100% sure I’m right…for a while…and then some months later I allow myself to be broken and sharpened.
Don’t get me wrong – I hate conflict. I really do. I’ve always wanted everyone – everyone! – to like me. But I hate not changing. I hate that inauthentic dance that we do around in relationships when we don’t disagree. I hate that giving up on a relationship because I find myself on the polar opposite of an issue. I need all these people. I really do.
