TATTOO on the HEART

HOPE proven right…

// May 3rd, 2009 // EVERYDAY LIFE, OUT LOUD THOUGHTS

Jessica’s health has so deteriorated.  All I’ve been able to do is stand by helplessly.  I try to do the things that I can around here, but it just seems like such nothingness…Leaving here with unmet expectations is difficult.  I love Orlando, Victoria’s in a great school, etc.  But I am resolved for Jessica to get well even though that might mean a lesser job and a reorientation of life as I’ve known it.  Let Your will be done, Lord.

Personal Journal Entry 5.28.07

I wrote that entry at one of the most intense times of our life.

I remember right around our 1st year anniversary in 2001, Jessica started complaining about her muscles burning.  A short time later she was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome.  Now some people know fibromyalgia as simple soreness or stiffness.  But no one we knew could relate to Jessica. Fast forward to 2007 and Jessica was head-to-toe in excruciating pain.

While leading a demanding ministry at a megachurch in Orlando, I struggled to balance the growing needs at home.  Jessica’s muscle weakness had turned into periods of numbness in both arms and even her face.  It was commonplace to come home and clean up glass from cups and plates that had shattered from Jessica losing her grip.

I would pull her up out of bed, wash her hair, and often hold her helplessly as she cried in pain.

One month after the above entry, Jessica nearly died in the hospital after a gallbladder surgery gone bad.  I decided 2 things when we got out of the hospital:

1) I’d do whatever it took to get Jessica well.  I’d sacrifice everything that meant anything to me.
2) I’d never do ministry the same way again.

So shortly after Jessica walked out of the hospital, I gave my resignation to my pastor, and sought getting Jessica into a stable, less intense climate where we might also find better medical care.

We found that place in San Diego.

About 6 months ago, I just really sensed that something was happening.  God was at work doing something.  All these years Jessica and I have prayed for healing perhaps 1000s of times.  And it’s been amazing that God has worked this phenomenal persistence and stubbornness in Jessica.

You know, I think most of the time we’re so comfortable in the things in Scripture that are black and white.  Most Christians are incredibly comfortable doing things that they believe that they are certain about.  They’ll protest something like the 10 Commandments being removed or Proposition 8 because they are so sure about God’s judgment.  They are certain of God’s will when they believe the matter is judgment.  And they will pray shamelessly, relentlessly, and with absolute conviction.

But in matters of healing – things that require a God who is generous and full of mercy and grace – we’re not sure about those things.  Those are the only times when people will pray things like: “If it’s your will, God.”  We say those things because we need to give God an out if He doesn’t show up and do anything.

It’s sad, but true.  We mostly don’t know a God of generosity, mercy, & grace.

I’m not going to say that Jessica and I didn’t have moments of frustration and even anger, but we never stopped asking and praying.  We were essentially going to pray until we got a “No,” meaning, we’d pray until God just told us to stop praying.  We just were not going to accept being sick for life.

Well, back to what I started sensing 6 months ago…

Things started to feel like they were changing – not that I could physically see anything.  I prayed with a renewed sense of purpose.  I was expecting more.  And for some reason, I felt – not that it was just going to happen someday – but that it was close.  And I told Jessica, “I don’t know why, but I feel like your healing is close.”

And last weekend, Jessica, after 8+ years of sickness that escalated at times to Jessica nearly being an invalid, she was healed.

Jessica literally went from being sick in one moment to being completely healed in the next.

It’s just like the encounter with Jesus – being brought from death to life, new from old.

When I picked up Jessica from the airport last Sunday, you could have picked her out of the crowd of 100 or so people waiting on the curb by baggage claim.  In Exodus 33, Moses face shined after he was in the real presence of God.  You could have seen that a mile away on Jessica’s face.  There was such a vibrancy and literally the years of age and pain were wiped away.

And for the last week we’ve lived in this often surreal experience.  Jessica and I haven’t had a moment where we’ve looked at each other and not laughed or smiled.  We’ve never known such joy and oneness with each other and God.

And now what?  This past week we went 0 to 100 miles per hour for the first time ever.  We held nothing back.  And I can only imagine what that means for the future.

Us and God?  Wow is that ever a dangerous combination.  After moving wherever and taking extreme risks for Him, I’d have to say that everything else in life that requires trust in Jesus is just so trivial.  God’s huge!  He’s so amazing, powerful, generous, and good.

What now?  I guess wait and see.